Don’t 'Should' All Over Yourself: Why the Word "Should" is Holding You Back and What to Do Instead.
Have you ever noticed how often you use the word "should"? "I should exercise more." "You should be more productive." "We should eat healthier." It sneaks into our thoughts and conversations without us even realising it, it came up with a client recently, and I listened as he listed all the things he thought he ‘should’ be doing.
It was a mentor of mine who first said “Amy, stop ‘should-ing’ all over yourself” She explained the impact it can have on how we feel about ourselves and our choices and this simple shift changed a lot for me, and I wanted to pay it forward…
In this post, we'll explore why telling ourselves (and others) what we "should" do is unhelpful, and how we can start changing that mindset to focus on what we ‘want’ to do. By shifting this perspective, you can free yourself from unnecessary pressure and start living with more intention and self-compassion.
The Problem with "Should"
When we use the word "should," it creates an external standard or expectation, often rooted in societal norms, the opinions of others, or our own perfectionistic tendencies. These "shoulds" make us feel like we’re falling short, even when we’re doing our best.
Here’s why it’s harmful:
1. It can create guilt and shame.
Saying "I should be more productive" implies that you're currently not doing enough. This often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, even when the expectations are unrealistic. It sets you up for disappointment.
2. It pushes you away from your true desires.
Many of our "shoulds" don’t align with what we genuinely want or need. They often reflect societal pressure or someone else's values, rather than our own authentic desires.
3. It can lead to procrastination and resentment.
When we approach tasks with a "should" mindset, they feel burdensome. This can cause us to procrastinate or feel resentful toward the very thing we "should" be doing. The weight of obligation overshadows any motivation or joy in the activity.
4. It can disempower you.
Saying "should" implies that you’re powerless to make your own choices. It’s as if you’re being directed by some external force, rather than owning your decisions. This can make you feel trapped.
Changing the "Should" Habit.
Breaking the habit of saying "should" takes time and awareness, but it's a powerful shift toward self-compassion and intentional living. Here’s how you can start:
1. Start to notice your "Shoulds".
Pay attention to when you use the word "should." Keep a mental note or even journal about when it comes up—whether it’s directed at yourself or others. This awareness is the first step in breaking the habit.
2. Replace "Should" with "Want" or "Choose".
Instead of saying, "I should go to the gym," try reframing it as "I want to go to the gym because I value my health," or "I choose to go to the gym because it makes me feel good." If you don’t want to do the task, it’s an opportunity to reassess why you feel like you "should." Is it something that truly matters to you?
3. Let go of what doesn’t fit.
If you find that certain "shoulds" don’t align with your values or desires, let them go. You’re allowed to drop things that aren’t serving you. Maybe you’ve been telling yourself for years that you "should" be more social, but deep down, you’re more introverted and need more time alone. It’s okay to honor that and release the expectation.
4. Practice self-compassion.
Be kind to yourself during this process. Rewriting old thought patterns takes time, and it’s normal to slip up. When you do, acknowledge it without judgment and gently remind yourself of the new perspective you're cultivating.
Empower yourself with "I want" and "I choose".
Changing "should" to "I want" or "I choose" shifts the narrative from obligation to empowerment. It places the control back in your hands and invites you to make decisions based on your values and desires, rather than external expectations. Next time you catch yourself saying, "I should clean the house," try switching it to, "I want to clean the house because it makes me feel relaxed," or "I choose to clean the house because I like a tidy space." If the reframe doesn’t resonate, maybe it's a sign you’re holding onto a "should" that doesn’t fit your life right now. In that case, it’s okay to drop it.
When Others "Should" on You: How to Reframe It
It’s not just our inner voice that hits us with “shoulds.” Sometimes, the people around us; friends, family, and colleagues, can be quick to tell us what they think we ‘should’ be doing. “You should’ve taken that job.” “You should be more outgoing.” “You should have handled that situation differently.” While often well-intentioned, these comments can feel judgmental or dismissive, and they can leave us feeling uncertain or guilty about our choices. But here's the thing: when someone tells you what you "should" have done, it’s often more about ‘them’ than it is about ‘you’. It's their perspective, their values, and their fears influencing their advice. That doesn't mean you have to take it on as your own.
Why Others' "Shoulds" Impact Us
1. Triggers self-doubt.
Hearing "you should’ve" can make us second-guess ourselves. It might cause us to revisit decisions we've already made, wondering if we did something wrong or missed an opportunity. Over time, this can chip away at our confidence.
2. Creates Pressure to Please.
When someone says we "should" do something, it’s often because they have their idea of what success, happiness, or fulfillment looks like. This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, where we prioritise others' expectations over our own desires.
3. Leads to resentment.
If we constantly adjust our behavior to meet others' "shoulds," it can lead to resentment; both toward the person giving the advice and toward ourselves for not sticking to our own choices.
How to Reframe It: It's Their Stuff.
When someone tells you what you "should" have done, it’s important to recognise that it’s coming from their perspective, not necessarily yours. Here’s how to reframe these situations to protect your peace of mind:
1. Recognise it’s about them.
When someone says, “You should have done X,” pause and remind yourself that their suggestion is based on their values, experiences, and fears, not yours. It doesn’t mean they’re right or that you made the wrong choice. It’s their stuff. For example, if a friend tells you, “You should have taken that higher-paying job,” they might value financial security above all else, but that doesn’t mean your choice to prioritise work-life balance is wrong.
2. Detach Emotionally.
Don’t take their "shoulds" personally. Instead of feeling defensive or guilty, try to observe their comment with curiosity. What might this be revealing about ‘them’? Maybe they're projecting their own regrets, insecurities, or unmet needs onto you. Understanding this can help you detach from the emotional weight of their words.
3. Reframe their advice.
When you hear a “should” from someone, reframe it in a way that empowers you. For instance, if someone says, “You should be more social,” mentally rephrase it as, “They value being social, but I prioritise my alone time.” This helps you separate their priorities from your own.
4. Respond Mindfully.
If you feel the need to respond, try something neutral like, “I appreciate your perspective, but I made the decision that was right for me.” This way, you acknowledge their viewpoint without accepting it as your own truth.
Release the Pressure.
It’s easy to get caught up in the expectations others place on us, but constantly striving to meet those "shoulds" will only leave you feeling drained and disconnected from your own needs. By recognising that other people's "shoulds" are a reflection of their own values—not yours—you can release the pressure and focus on what ‘you’ truly want.
Final Thoughts
Our language shapes the way we think and feel about our lives. By shifting from "should" to "want" and "choose," and by reframing others’ "shoulds" as their stuff—not yours—you can release unnecessary pressure, live more authentically, and make decisions that truly align with your values. So, stop "should-ing" all over yourself, and don't let others do it to you either.
Dive deeper
If this resonated with you and you're ready to stop "should-ing" all over yourself, let's dive deeper together. Book a 1:1 coaching session with me to explore how you can shift your mindset, break free from limiting beliefs, and start living with more intention and confidence. Together, we'll create a plan that aligns with ‘your’ true desires. Click below to get started!